Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*