Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
You Might Also Like
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.