Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious