[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
You Might Also Like
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My plans: 2020:
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.