My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“What?”
– Jude
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.