Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.