i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]