Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
But is it really??
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.