I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.