him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Would you wear it?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Love is always patient and kind.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”