Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The honesty is refreshing
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)