Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
so weird how every mom was born today
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.