* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.