Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me irl
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery