the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite