Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
😆this is so true
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Merica.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
oh u like history? name everything that happened
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.