PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
You Might Also Like
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets