I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Sooo many times…..
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.