My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I falcon love using swear birds
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.