I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.