[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Bill is short for Billiam
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd