I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
You Might Also Like
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please