ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
May never get over this
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Cndnsd Mlk
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?