me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Lassie, get help!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
What the dentist sees
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened