Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Good advice.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
(Jupiter –
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.