Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Terribly Tuesday.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
This is amazing.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.