Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*