Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
You Might Also Like
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears