I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”