Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
You Might Also Like
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*Inspirational Tweets*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to