I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
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