On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*