I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.