[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please