‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
iPhone X
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.