We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
A roof is a house hat.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Who called it baking and not making love
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE