Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster