Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Does beer think about me too?