Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
X-tra spooky blend
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When I snag the last meatball.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone