“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.