“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
They’re on their honeymoon
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*