Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Sunday
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Love this one 😂🧟
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
me hitting on a model
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Social distancing in Australia:
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up