*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Children of the corn 🌽
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog