Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.