9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
✌️
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Huge, if true.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?