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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
i think both sides are to blame here
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
This is a true ally.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.