Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
spicy snake
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.