Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood