The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me trying to “trust the process”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
This hospital has everything
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten