Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
This did not end as expected.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.